I'm Not Superman
by SapphireMind
Summary: Old fic, reposted. Harry is left to deal with his guilt after Sirius's death in OotP. Inspired by Five for Fighting's "Superman".


A/N: I just read the HP books this week and felt inspired by this song, even though I don't typically write song fics nor HP fanfic. Reviews would be very appreciated.

Both the song _Superman_ by Five for Fighting and the characters from the Harry Potter books do not belong to me. I am using their copyrighted materially following fair use rules; I am making absolutely no money from this and it is for personal use and reading only. Thanks for reading.

Timeline for this is just immediately before the end of OotP. If you haven't read that book, major spoilers are contained inside this fic and I would suggest you stop reading immediately unless you want to be spoiled.

Old fic - Reposted since ff's guidelines no longer ban songfics.

* * *

_I can't stand to fly  
I'm not that naive  
I'm just out to find  
The better part of me_

Harry sat by the lake at Hogwarts, legs pulled up and his head resting on his knees, not looking at the beautiful summer day; one of the last that he would see before returning to Privet Drive for the summer. Students occasionally stopped, murmuring comments that he could barely hear; talking about Voldemort, about him, about the upheaval that had occurred in Hogwarts that year. He had a large urge to raise his head and yell at them, but resisted.

_I'm more than a bird...I'm more than a plane  
More than some pretty face beside a train  
It's not easy to be me  
_  
Couldn't they understand that it wasn't about him, that he didn't want this attention and glory? He was just like any other fifth year student; trying to figure out what he wanted to do for a career and a future, if he would even have one. He was in a duel to the death that just started and no one could help him and he thought bitterly about how it was merely chance that it was him instead of Neville.

But was it fair to wish this fate upon Neville? Did he really want to switch places with the boy whose parents were still alive, although insane? He decided that yes, it was better to have parents who were alive in any sense than to be drowning adrift in this mess of a world without anyone. Now Sirius was dead; his last link to family besides the Dursleys. It wasn't fair, he wanted to just quit. He didn't want to see anyone else die, he didn't want to lose anyone else that he loved, but how could he quit without dying?

_Wish that I could cry  
Fall upon my knees  
Find a way to lie  
About a home I'll never see_

Harry thought of the archway in the Ministry, the place where he lost Sirius. His heart didn't want to accept that he was really dead. Harry saw him disappear, but he was still alive then! There had to be some way to free Sirius from the veil. He heard two people sit down on either side of him, interrupting his reverie.

"You ok, mate?" Ron's voice was worried; he knew how Harry had clung to his godfather as a link to his parents. It was like he was orphaned again, but this time he could remember it.

"It's my fault. I don't care what Dumbledore says. I should have **thought** before I acted. I should have asked them about the dream! If I hadn't..." Harry choked back a sob, "I wouldn't have his blood on my hands. And for what? Nothing. Nothing at all." His voice was bitter even though tears still threatened. Hermione and Ron looked over his head at each other, each putting an arm around him, not saying anything at all, allowing him to regain his composure.

_It may sound absurd...but don't be naive  
Even heroes have the right to bleed  
I may be disturbed...but won't you concede  
Even heroes have the right to dream  
It's not easy to be me  
_  
"There's got to be some way to get him back! I know there is. I could still _hear_ him!" Harry cried out, finally looking to Ron and Hermione. "We could find out about it and then sneak back into the Ministry of Magic and free him. He's trapped and no one is trying to help him!"

Hermione looked pained as she spoke, hating her place as the logical one, "You heard Lupin. He's gone Harry. I'm sorry, but do you really think Lupin would leave him behind if he wasn't totally sure? They were best friends."

"Yeah. I guess you're right. It was a nice thought to have for a moment thought," Harry said dully, looking back down at his hands. "He's not even coming back as a ghost. I asked Nearly Headless Nick about him."

_Up, up and away...away from me  
It's all right...you can all sleep sound tonight  
I'm not crazy...or anything...  
_  
He started to cry again, standing up and pushing away from Ron and Hermione. "If I had just looked into the mirror, I would have known," He muttered as he walked away. His friends exchanged worried glances at what he said, it made no sense, unless he was referring to the Mirror of Erised, and that had addictive properties. Harry noted their looks before he left and stopped, turning to them to explain.

"He had given me a small package to contact him in case I needed him. I think we both forgot about it. But if I had opened the package and looked in the mirror, I would have known that he wasn't being tortured. Why didn't I remember about it?" He looked at them, both looking uneasy as he made the confession and just shook his head. "Don't worry about it." He strode quickly away before they could get another word out to return to Gryffindor Tower.

_I can't stand to fly  
I'm not that naive  
Men weren't meant to ride  
With clouds between their knees_

Why couldn't he just let go of this? He admitted grudgingly that he did feel a fair amount of thrill and satisfaction when he succeeded and saved someone, but he would go without that feeling forever if it would bring Sirius back. The worst part was, he couldn't even swear off his involvement with the Order and Voldemort. He had no hope of going to a normal life until he finished this.

It just wasn't fair. He was only fifteen. Kids his age weren't supposed to be bearing the weight of the world literally on their shoulders. If you screw up when you are fifteen, you're supposed to get detention, not watch your loved ones die. He muttered the password to the fat lady, who wisely decided to stay silent as she swung aside to allow him entrance.

_I'm only a man in a silly red sheet  
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street  
Only a man in a funny red sheet  
Looking for special things inside of me  
Inside of me  
Inside me  
Yeah, inside me  
Inside of me  
_  
Harry sat on his bed, the curtains pulled tight. He didn't want to see the fact that the room was empty for the upcoming summer nor did he want anyone to see him if they were to come up here. He thought of Dumbledore's words, that there was something inside of him that Voldemort didn't have and it was his greatest weapon. Could it really be pain? That couldn't be a weapon, and if it was, he would rather be unarmed.

How could his pain be any more special than the pain that Neville felt about his parents being driven mad, or the pain of so many others who have had terrible lives? Dumbledore surely knew there was something and if he could just figure out what it was, maybe he would end this sooner, one way or the other. Death didn't seem like a bad idea most days. If he were to die, he would be with his parents and Sirius. More than that, he would be at peace; no more fighting, no more worry, no more of anything.

His thoughts drifted though to his surviving friends, how if he sacrificed himself, he was also sacrificing them. If he was the only one who could kill Voldemort, was he prepared to die and allow Voldemort to kill all the others that still lived so he didn't have to deal with it anymore? When he thought about it that way, it seemed pretty cowardly. He couldn't imagine doing something to be the downfall of Hogwarts and he knew if Voldemort was unopposed, Hogwarts would fall.

_I'm only a man  
In a funny red sheet  
I'm only a man  
Looking for a dream_

Death was not the answer, as much as he may have wanted it to be. It left him with precious little in the way of options though. He laid back on his bed, trying to accept his destiny. His eyes grew heavier as he lay there and he willed himself to think of Sirius, the moment that Sirius had first asked him about living with him, the big black dog chasing the train to Hogwarts at the beginning of the year. His eyes pricked with tears again as he drifted off to sleep, perchance to dream, hoping that if nothing else, he could have a family in his dreams.

_I'm only a man  
In a funny red sheet  
And it's not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm...  
It's not easy to be me_


End file.
